Eventually

Forgive them.
they don't know
they don't know about us
at all,
how we spend all this time together
speaking to each other... your hand on my cheek
you'll come home...eventually, eventually

Those long walk,
the trees make way for us
hand in hand we roam,
the mystery
and history will put down
this time we spend as apart
they'll know us... eventually, eventually

They don't know
how I kiss your face
thousand times a day
and that
I know your skin and everything
we'll tie up these loose ends and be
together....eventually eventually

A-Tulsiani

Sweet summer it'll be...

Summer blew in the wind of hope
Never questioning what it is I want
Sweet smiles on my lips
With no reason for this
That's summer, sweet summer for me

I walked down the road
With the heat burning my skin
Never questioning the direction I walk in
See you across the street, smiling at me
That's summer, and sweet summer it'll be

Lay back down tonight
The starless sky is bright
With what tomorrow will bring back to me
Smiling sweetly, you weren't just a dream
Summer, sweet summer will kiss me again

And as we walk around
Ruining it for the town
That we found each other instead of them
I'll smile up at you, you say you love me too
That's summer. Hope it'll never end.

- A.Tulsiani

Super Star

I wake up each morning in pain
Knowing what I'll face this day
Scrapping up the last bits of hope
From the bottom of my rusted bowl

Each morning I plaster on that smile
Wondering how clowns do it all the time
Thinking again of what to dress as today
Someone new, someone blue, someone fake

My friends steal my promises from me
What happened to giving me time to heal?
They don't see through the brave face I show
They stand up and applaud for the encore

The stars bring to be a time to breathe
All alone- I strip off the make-up and weep
My prayers are clearly not enough it seems
Because sunlight brings the pain back to me

A.Tulsiani

What I know

Blinded by my eyes

I know.

I reach to you but
Don’t come closer
Nothing is ever anything when
I breathe you in and out
It's over.

Clinging wall pieces
They scream over telephones
Breaking china over paper

Don’t forget
To sweep the rug it’ll bleed and strain
The floor.

And your ugly footprints
They leave a trail,
If someone will follow
Footsteps that’ll take them away
From me, back to you.

I’m broken.

Bright hill homes

My windows are sealed
With a view into your home
My clothes steal a line
When you're too busy to look

My roof touches your skin
Our cables are muddled up
When you're fast asleep dreaming
I touch your breath with my tongue

I follow you in the narrow lane
That connects us to the rest
This scrap of silk I'm wearing?
I tore from your mom's best

I creep a look at you from below
When you climb the yellow stairs
Smoke with the lot and add to
Stormy clouds and windless air

One day I'll move next door
Black bricks lay a red house true
I'll reach an inch to reach you
Bright hill homes, will always do

- A.Tulsiani

Bright painted houses

I've always found you
Sitting right there
Behind the broken walls
And the repaired stairs

My heart beats so
Just like everyday
Walked around the corner
And you took it away

We hide from each other
Catch the kids up and down
Bright painted houses
That we grew-up around

Been meeting up in secret
Dim lights in corners
Twenty years of loneliness
We've saved up together

I'll hold your hand tight
Promise I won't let go
Lower walls from your face
Though red suits you so

No white picket fences
Terraces and driveways
All I can promise you
Are bright painted houses

-A.Tulsiani

For Mun - New Beginnings

So far away
from all I left behind
my trinkets, my pages
my gym clothes my life
Cross the oceans
to be with you
new beginnings,
that have coloured me new

Brand new sheets
for cuddled up nights
no more screaming
no honking all night
Early morning cooking
hurried breakfast, the baking
potlucks and walking
a new beginning unfolding

Early morning calls
missing mom and dad
dreaming of a future
that I may have had
Failing to understand
and getting so lost
when everything's new
you're the one I rely on

Colour myself from head
and toe in-between streets
find something inside of me
something new -
but someone old of me
Canvas and vanish
will walk through the old
new beginnings, old stories torn.

-A.Tulsiani

Thought to slave

What is anything, but anything I make belief
Tried of running in circles, spin out of real
Spiral in the sunlight, blind with the glare
Laugh about anything and run with despair
What is to learn from fallen trees that reach the sea?
When anything is anything, but nothing to keep

Travel the world on your one man horse
Close your mind to everyone you speak to off
Standing by your thought, close off the stars
Because anything is nothing unless it's yours
What's with the questions if you have your answers?
When nothing can detract from the narrow road you've discovered

What is anything, but anything you make belief?
Your straight line is wearing me off, boring me
Run away for you, smile, I love my unrealistic dreams
You push them down into haunted depths to sleep
What's to hear? What's to know? When the knowing is caged?
At least I dream and dream while you slave to kill my way

-A.Tulsiani

Burnt bridges

I see you, while I think of you
And whatever I felt before
And it's all coming back to me
Like waves that crashed the shore

Slow tears come to my eyes
This is all too good to be true
Because I know you never be mine
And I'll be nothing, but nothing to you

So should I even so try
To build the bridges that have burnt?
Is there a chance in the hell I live in  
A hope for lessons to be unlearnt 

And while I sit here in the dark
Whispering nothings to the wind
I see you out there, the remorse
Begging to be loved even more

But no matter what you want to say
You won't see me half way now
Because the bridges have being burnt
And there's no way to return

- A. Tulsiani

Good bye

How done are you
With me in any way
Played it around so so
At the seams you tear
Quit the sorry say goodbye
Baby your leaving now
And dont even try.
Clean up the mess you made
Now, seeing bed sheets
That you've thrown around
I won't make, do with
Your crew and your keep
Baby the only thing you want
You'll be able to really see
Is my face smiling when I
Slam the door in your face
And mouth good-bye.

A.Tulsiani

My blank sheet

My heart quickly faded to nothing
My head turned into a real mess
My silly soul disappeared somewhere
But it probably just needed a rest

And then everything was turned upside
And down below me I could see
That life was still carrying on so
It was carrying on perfectly without me

My blinding pain made me search you
Imagination sees you glowing with a smile
And in my head you laughed at me
All of my complains, my threats, my cries

And you just told me all will be good
That there's nothing to be afraid of - if I look
Just clearer and deeper into myself
I'll find you sitting and mending the tear

But I lost hope again and again and again
Blamed my past and love that was pretense
I wondered what a life I was living now
If this nightmare won't just kill me somehow

But you were there standing in the storm
You were my shelter and I was so wrong
The pages were turning but I didn't see
You erased the pain, now I hold a blank sheet

You'll tell me eventually what to fill it with
Smiles, hopes, love, dreams- and I'll put in
Time for only you and me. I promise
I lost sight before but now it won't happen

Until then I still shed tears sometimes
But you're patient with me make me realise
That you're there in your subtle ways
And one day this storm will blow away

 I know now that I'm precious to you too
So you'll work your miracles when  you do
But until then you lull my tears to sleep
And I'll hold my pen above my blank sheet

-A.Tulsiani

All of Stone

Stone nails against my skin
The sickly feel of it ripping
All life flowed a rotten black
Crash the world, you lost track

Bits and pieces you separate
What you love and love to hate
Leave behind this stained mess
Broken pieces pick up themselves

Dress down stitched up wounds
Back and forth I look too soon
Soon as I trip, you make me fall
Laughing mirrors scar even more

Stone ground against my face
Tears that fall at an even pace
All love flows and all flesh drains
Drown myself in the lake I made

-A. Tulsiani

Someone

Someone to sing to when the lights are out
Someone who'll hold me close when it's cold all around
Someone who'll say yes to breakfast far away
To drive me into town 'cause I crave banana pancakes

Someone who'll be the music to my lyrics
Who learns the songs I like to sing without hinting
Someone to share an umbrella with on a rainy day
I'll make hot chocolate, vanilla coffee - I'll even bake

Someone who'll ask me what I want to do
He can buy movie tickets and share popcorn too
Someone I can read to all night and parts of the day
He'll laugh when I'm ill but get the medicines anyway

Someone who I can fight with when I'm bored
Someone who'll wipe my tears even if I could
Someone I can call when I'm so happy I'll explode
Just someone to use up all this love that I now throw

-A.Tulsiani

P.S - I also need someone who'll help me make my blog look a little better. But I thought of that after this was already written :)

Obsession

I'm searching within for reasons
I'm searching my soul in vain
The truth is I got to seach elsewhere
But I'm scared to know what you think

I rewrite all I want to tell you
I'm cramming my bin with trash
Trash feelings that you'll think are silly
And tears of hopelessness that are all I have

These tears are keeping me up all night
Tears that fall because I don't exist
While your every breath fogs my eyes
I fall and burn and you don't feel a thing

All my nights are spent in a restless mess
And I wake up before dawn even breaks
How I wish for my life before I knew of you
Wish I could bury myself from all of this

-A. Tulsiani

Ggrrrhhhhh

For all those confused souls on Facebook. You'll are getting on my freakin' nerves


You're all forming the questions
While I already have the answers
You're wondering and helping
While I made it all on my own

You put it all out there
And tell the world - go figure
While you don't know shit yourself
You're arguing with each other

You're not reaching a consensus
Fuck everyone else - look within
It's in there, if you clear your head
You'll find those pieces that are missing

-A.Tulsiani

Wilted Flowers

Strangers known to each other
In broken mirrors pieced together
Bits of reflections come close to me
Over these years the bits have ceased

Far away, though you breathe close
Fear in the moment I will lose
How much longer till we mend the way
The broken roads bleed and stain

Wilting flowers that once smiled
Are washed down by all this trying
The night is falling, it's closer still
You look though me, though the distance

I blank myself out just for you
Colour me with the brushes you choose
Empty out all that you can't see
Mend the roads and heal my wilted feet

-A. Tulsiani

For D... From J

"Love someone my dear
Or it'll all be a waste
Don't think of all my tears
I've never felt this way

I can't look at you now
You know I'm lying too
I can't love anyone else
Fake promises or true

But I'll be off tomorrow
Filled with guilt at sunrise
And I'll lie in his bed tomorrow
Dreaming of tonight

But love someone my dear
Or it'll all be a waste
Live my love through her
Just keep me alive someway"

-A.Tulsiani

Left behind

I felt my blood thicken
I felt it run
I felt all of me
Come undone

I felt the pain
The stab in my back
I felt all your words
Leak out of that

I saw the red defeat
Your smile, your victory
I felt my weight
Hit the floor and slump

I felt my hand raise
To grab hold of you
I felt you run away
And a trail of dust

-A. Tulsiani

Battles

I wrote this one in on 3/27/2008. Found it in my inbox. It's about my break up, when I ran away to get away from it all - and had alot of fun though :) What's amazing is these things "we said" were actually said. So For H...



With subtle hints I push you out of my life
Once my best friend, once my only vice
Now I pull my carpet, from under your feet
Don't stand on what you have no right to be

If you want the world, you can have yours
Why claim mine? I want my bit of peace
I try to fight, I succeed, I scream
But at the end of the day, you run back to me

I can't just tell you to go, with my emotions you play
When you have me you don't know what to do or say
If you love her so, be content - let me go
Throw me out of your life like you did before

I run away from you, miles away
You're not with me, but I still do as you say
Your leash on me seems like a new life
Keeps tugging on the strings of my heart and mind

You say that it'll never end, you'll follow me
Best friends, soul mates, a part of you always loving me
You kiss me then tell me it meant nothing to you
Who are you fooling? Both me and you?

You want my friendship, I want your love
I can't go back to things when they have changed so much
I feel cut out from your life, it seems strange to me
You're holding someone else, where I used to be

I tell you this, but you don't understand
I'm miserable with you, without that magic we had
You're miserable without me, can't imagine life
It's a battle I lose no matter how hard I fight

-A.Tulsiani

Again

Late tonight and again
I sit all alone
I sit still wondering
I'm all alone at home
All that clings to me
Are these teardrops that roll
Down my eye, my nose
And sit on my lips
If only it wasn't this
I would smile and it would
Disappear.

-A.Tulsiani

Love again

It's picture perfect
It's all she'll ever want
The cold wind whips her face
She's wrapped up in your warmth

Skyscrapers pass by
Lit up trees-like clustered fireflies
Clean pavements, fancy cars, the sea
Her heart faster than the night breeze

She stirs against you
Rests her head on your chest
She's not done with her kisses yet
But her lips are begging for some rest

Rubs her face on your sweater
And mumbles something in whispers
You lower your face toward her
Anything to hear her better

You smile, you see she's sleepy
Hug her closer and kiss her hair
You tell her that you love her so
And then gently tuck her into bed

-A.Tulsiani

Water's edge

I'm standing at the water's edge
Looking down at my reflection
I see the blurred lines fade away
What made me stay still this way?

I'm moving now, it moves with me
Take a step forward, it invites me
Should I stay? Should I leave?
Should I just soak in and dream?

You frown a little and you wait
You traveled enough - you hesitate
Stretch out your hand? Worry more?
Am I the one you came running for?

My toes run over you bit by bit
If I jump now, that's the end of it
There is no turning back, no stopping this
These scars will forever soak my skin

But I've waited for this a lifetime
And I've waiting in pain for years
I've waited at this water's edge
So why am I so afraid to play my turn?

-A. Tulsiani

I'm still waiting...

I'm still waiting for the sun to rise
And warm this winter night
I'm still waiting for the sun to rise
Wish I'm not living a lie

Wish that this night with it's dreams
Is not too good for the world to be
What's real what's fake, what's a dream
Make my life what I need it to be

I'm still waiting for the sun to rise
Wish it'll warm my bones
You'll come and fill up my soul
I'm still waiting to melt the cold

Wish that this night with it's dreams
Is not too good for the world to be
What's real what's fake, what's a dream
Make my life what I need it to be

I'm still waiting for the sun to rise
For my days to start with you
I've waited winter nights for this
Let the morning make it true

-A. Tulsiani

The forest

The forest is all blotted, black and white
the darkness takes over, just a white outline
it slowly recedes to a point
but the pool still floods the town tonight
the rain that he tried so hard to deter
pitters and patters and bleeds away
and ink drop by drop slowly it threatens
everything he worked at so hard today
an eye patch would signify the forest she wears
she runs through herself and melts through her head
sitting underneath the now leafless tree
her sleepy eyes scan the forest for the path she's seen
and he may tumble down on his way up
she won't chase him or she'll hurt him first
no reason no rhyme no tale to tell no crime
she's stuck in the forest all blotted
black and white and black and white...

-A. Tulsiani

For Dee

Flashback to when we were 5
Both skinny, dirty kneed and naive
We hated each other on even days
Made up faster than a Uno game

You stole my shoes I pulled your hair
We made groups and didn't fight fair
You got soooo mad at the silliest things
"Thats what you said last year about my skin"

Competition was thick, about everything
My handwriting, your hair and birthday gifts
I drew your diagrams and wrote you lyrics
You let me copy in hindi marathi tutions

College was a blast, we grew up
But the mad group drove us nuts
Night train, choco sticks and gravity sucks
When it comes to cuckoo we have all the luck

Then came love rushing in like winter
Steamy coffee, drives and kisses that lingered
I can't remember where we even were
The assholes dominated our whole world

Then I acted like an wounded pride bitch
I let you all go in a simple flick
Thought about you every day I swear
And you beat me to pulp in every nightmare

I'm so glad you pushed best friend to call
In a heartbeat we were where we left off
You came back when I needed you the most
Counting blessings, shimmies and 123 door ghosts

Our conversations have changed since puberty
Now it's spiritual, dreams and more honesty
And you can tell me when I'm being a bitch
If only with food you would experiment

Now we're stuck in this strange boat
Don't know where we're going, no captain, no oar
We've strengthened faith and sold our trust
Careers? Love? Friends? It's all a muck

But we'll catch the wind and it'll be fine
We'll be successful and love will arrive
And you'll have to leave your kids with me
Mommy will just make them a Bollywood queen

When I look back and reminisce
What I find strange is just this
We were best friends with everyone else
But in the end we are all that's left...

A. Tulsiani

.....

Her eyes were open all along
She sees the darkness enfold her now
Can feel the mist thicken and roll
As her fingers grab nothing to hold

Cold sweat creeps, breaks her sleep
It has never been easy to breathe
While panic fills her wounded breast
She lays back down to undress

Moments pass and she shivers
Nothing can make her even remember
There is no one she left behind
No reason to now weep and cry

Get done with it and you can leave
Quietly, don't disturb her peace
Not like she cares what happens next
She'll sleep again, you were never there

- A. Tulsiani